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A hefty Kentucky dinner of hemp-fed beef washed down with hemp-brewed beer will in no wise endanger the diner’s employment prospects, researchers for the Kentucky Hemp Growers’ Cooperative Association were delighted to report recently. After all the urinalysis tests came back negative, hempster Andy Graves exulted, "We dispelled a myth! We’re glad we can gloat."

The myth under investigation, promulgated nationwide by the multi-billion-dollar drugtesting industry, holds that just about any ingestible dietary item which contains preparations from the dreaded cannabis plant will leave incriminating "cannabinoid" traces in the ingester’s urine, bound to show up deceptively on their less-than-perfect urinalysis gimmicks as "THC." Last year, after several professional chemistry journals had published studies showing how this misidentification has occurred in the past with people taking regular doses of concentrated hemp-oil dietary supplements, industrial piss-testing lobbyists actually demanded that Congress pass new laws making hemp-based foods (and maybe textiles, too) as illegal as marijuana itself.

Though no one in Congress has yet leapt at this chance to look eternally foolish, a nationwide professional network of "Medical Review Officers"—people hired by corporations to run their drug-testing programs—has kept the scare alive by warning their members that employees cashiered for hemp-food "positives" stand a good chance of successfully suing for damages. Since the urinalysis industry depends entirely on marijuana "positives" to justify its existence (other sorts of drugs comprising less than five percent of the average quota of "positives" recorded nationwide), a proliferation of hemp-test lawsuits could conceivably kill the piss-testing racket forever.

So when the public employees of Frankfort, KY were warned by a Tennessee urinalysis-consulting firm last fall that hemp-based foods could "complicate" their drug tests, the Hemp Growers’ Cooperative refused to swallow this insult to their own industry. They enticed six "local media and civic leaders" (who shall obviously remain forever nameless) to a multi-course banquet at the White Light Diner on Bridge Street, where chef Rick Paul was careful to prepare and garnish all his most celebrated hemp-based consumables: hemp-fed steak, hempen brews and wines, hempseed sauce and salad dressings, ad gustatorum.

All the diners duly furnished urine specimens before sitting down to eat, and then again two evenings later. All the specimens were dispatched, with leak-proof chain-of-custody documentation, to a professional Texas piss-test lab, where every single one came up negative for THC, down to the billionth of a gram per liter of urine.

Recapping the project for the Lexington World-Leader, Graves emphasized, "This study helps promote the product, and hopefully gives people some comfort."

Strictly cold comfort for the piss-testing industry, though. For one thing, there’s really no conceivable way hemp-fed beef or hemp-brewed beer ought to contain proto-THC traces anyway. All the professional chemistry reports on the notorious "hempseed-oil glitch" derived exclusively from individuals who were taking regular daily doses of concentrated hempseed-oil preparations like Hemp Liquid Gold®—commercial formulations merchandised to health-food fanciers and body-builders. For occasional diners of hemp cuisine, the possibility of consuming enough proto-THC material to cause a subsequent "marijuana positive" ought certainly to be infinitely remote, even if one were to dine out nightly in the White Light Diner in Frankfort.

However, since no urinalysis instrument can prove whether a person’s THC "positive" derived from a slug of concentrated hemp oil, or a spoonful of hempseed salad dressing, or a big fat smoking bong, the piss-test industry still has reason to live in craven fear of lawsuit lawyers.